Pansexuality vs. Bisexuality

vs. or “versus” is such a strong, oppositionary word for two concepts that really have no clash, right?

I'd love for that to be true. In practice, however, there seems to be so much friction between them that it genuinely makes me sad (in the “other people discriminate and marginalise us enough, can't us 'queer' folk just get along?” vein).

I dated someone once who identifies as bisexual and they told me of all the crap they'd been getting about how didn't they mean 'pansexual' and how the term enforces a gender binary and is exclusive to trans* people and wasn't what my then-partner felt at all (obviously, as they're pretty awesome). Firstly, I say every person should be able to label their sexuality (or not) however they damn well please and not be responsible to provide justifications for anyone else. If they felt that “bisexual” was the best word to describe how they felt about people, then that's what they gets to call themselves. If it confuses you and you're in a position in their life where you could discuss their sexuality, then you could talk through what that means to them and figure out the details. (As with many of these things, this is a somewhat personal definition and not everyone is entitled to know details about who you want to have sex with. I'd say it goes without saying, but that would be more wishful thinking.)

A potential difference they proposed as to why they felt the word was more descriptive of them rather than, say, 'pansexual' (and, again, this is a personal choice and in no way reflects what these words mean to everyone), had to do with what they felt was a somewhat blanket approach to attraction in the connotations of pansexuality. They felt that to be pansexual meant to be attracted to people irrespective of gender, regardless of gender... as though it's not a factor, almost. Whereas to them, bisexuality was to be attracted because of gender, whatever that happened to be. And I'm not sure if the words have the same connotations for me and I'm sure they won't for absolutely everybody else, but I understood their choice and, even before that clarification, understood the frustration of having people insult or correct the way you've chosen to label your sexuality.

Why? Why would you even do that?

Just recently, someone mentioned to me that a person they knew had probably just come out as either bisexual or gay, using almost those exact words. And... I flinched.

The problem is, of course, that I don't know the details. There is, perhaps, a way to do that explicitly. But what came to mind was a person posting a couply photo with someone of their gender or perhaps setting their relationship status to being in a relationship with someone of their gender...

I identify as pansexual. And I felt... excluded. Erased. And then my brain jumped to all the things I'd listened to about bisexual erasure (that I fully support, in the sense that bisexual erasure is crap and people should do their best not to) and I felt bad. I'm not the only one with problems, right? And it's not that big a deal, right? It didn't seem... nice to fight against them. And I knew no malice was intended.

I'm ashamed to admit that I have actually “simplified” my sexuality to “bisexual” more times than I care to admit to (which barrier is, admittedly, any at all). It's an easy way to dismiss prying people that I don't want to have a complex conversation with, but... it's bullshit. It's not like there are limited slots for how many sexualities people can accept and understand (well... there sort of are, but the point is) and, even then, we should really just get away from assuming we can tell a lot about a person from a single word: sometimes you can and sometimes you can't and you actually need to talk to them and get to know them and figure it out.

I think it all stems from people's insecurities with flirting. (Well, or maybe I'm just projecting.)

Flirting is confusing and terrifying and uncertain and complicated and being able to have at least one solid thing there (“They're not attracted to anyone of my gender, so I shouldn't get my hopes up/have been misreading their behaviour/etc.”) is very reassuring. And it makes it easy to be able to know a bunch of things about a person based on a single word (like “homosexual” or “female” or “geek” or...), but that's what creates stereotypes, which are useful aides... But should never ever be taken as an absolute.

Monosexualities are easy and seem so much more absolute; but getting into bisexuality you start to lose that and anything further (pansexuality, asexuality, demisexuality, aromantic non-asexuals and panromantic asexuals and... so many more) is more likely to confuse and frighten (What if you don't know what that means? What if you don't really know them, so can't ask? Especially if the internet can only give you a vague answer because you agree with me that people get to define their own terms to an extent? What now? What do you know about them?!).

And the answer is that people are scary and getting to know them is difficult and, I'm sorry, but there aren't any shortcuts... But maybe that's for the best. Because stereotypes can make us think we have all the answers (especially when they almost fit) and then we miss out on finding some out really cool things about people we think we've got all worked out.


My preferred way of avoiding this whole issue would be something like... “Oh neat, someone I know may have just come out as being attracted to their own gender! So happy for them.” And then you avoid reinforcing the gender-is-a-binary-thing issue, you avoid limiting sexuality options... Am I missing something? (Because, if yes, please tell me. If it's easier, you can send me anon private messages on Tumblr – my username is the same and my ask is open under the AMA link at the top.)